Fawning lickspittles; and win ratio
IT’S BEEN ANOTHER EDIFYING WEEKEND FOR ENGLISH FOOTBALL, SO IT HAS
It’s been a fascinating 48 hours in the saga of The Armband, if your idea of a good time involves slowly shaking your head from side to side in slack-jawed bewilderment, as intelligent people who should know better, a couple of footballers and thousands of Chelsea fans make complete fools of themselves by getting involved in a row over the removal of a colourful elastic band from a man’s upper-arm.
While QPR existentialist Joey Barton risked landing himself another spell in the Big House by tweeting some strident opinions on a court case in which he could be $1450 new celine us 8 eur 38 a star witness, Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand got roundly booed by thousands of imbeciles at Stamford Bridge for the heinous crime of doing an interview on television in which he stuck up for his little brother, another footballer who may or may not have been racially abused by the two-times former England captain, England’s Brave John Terry.
After Chelsea’s draw with Manchester United, the home team’s manager Andre Villas-Boas childishly refused to condemn this behaviour (the booing, not the seating arrangements), while Rio went on to cover himself in glory by starting a row with $950 new celine us 9 a national newspaper hack on Twitter, opting to traduce the scribe’s $1900 celine drape front cap sleeve wrap crepe tunic blouse mini dress 36 professionalism by hiding behind a series of ill-informed retweets from fawning lickspittles, 0 celine bag 30 cm equals how many inches rather than answering a perfectly valid question put to him about his non-relationship with EBJT. Yes indeedy, it’s been another edifying weekend for English football, so the Fiver would like to offer its heartiest congratulations to all concerned: well done everybody well done.
Meanwhile in Italy, England manager Fabio Capello managed to confuse a large population of the English Fourth Estate by going on television and offering his opinion on The Armband shenanigans in Italian. While he said he disagreed with the FA’s decision and had told the chairman David Bernstein as much, Capello implied it was entirely up to the FA to decide how best to deal with such a «moral» situation. But as this seemed far too reasonable for assorted hacks, they decided to pretend he’d said something he hadn’t («I considered and still consider [EBJT] the England captain») and then accuse him of «totally undermining» his employers. The court case hasn’t started yet, but the farce continues.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
«An article on 30 January incorrectly stated $3600 new authentic celine mini luggage drummed souris taupe leather bag tote that Graham Westley, manager of Preston North End, had sent a bizarre late-night text telling players to prepare for a 9/11 style terror attack and encouraging reaction to it. We accept that Mr Westley sent no such text to players or otherwise» — the Sun says sorry.
BACK FOR GOOD?
Hooray! Luis Suarez is back! Finally, after a month and a half of enforced inactivity for the toothy Uruguayan, we can go back to watching televised Liverpool matches safe in the knowledge that the camera will no longer be able to cut to him sitting in the stands and burying as much of his head as possible into an excessively padded anorak. Better still, we will no longer be forced to think about the problem whose name we dare not speak, and can get on with pretending it has gone away just like we always used to.
But not only is this great news for humanity, or at least some of it, it’s also great news for Liverpool, who will finally be able to call upon the services of their South American silk-toed supremo. But hang on, Liverpool had won 12 out of 22 matches this season before Suarez’s ban, which mathematicians (or, in our case, a calculator) will know amounts to a 54.55% win ratio. And they have won five of nine matches since, a ratio of 55.55%. This means that, allowing for a very slender margin of statistical variance of, say, 1%, they have done precisely as well without him as they did when he was in the team. We’ll skip merrily over the humiliating aberration at Bolton to observe that this 55.55% wasn’t just any old 55.55%, either C the’ve booted Manchester City out of the Carling Cup and dumped Manchester United out of the FA Cup along the way.
Clearly his enforced absence was not the season-ending disaster that it first appeared. And celine replica bag look for less , with Tottenham visiting Anfield tonight in the hope of repeating the 4-0 smasheroo they inflicted on Kenny Dalglish’s men at White Hart Lane (when a certain Uruguayan was named in Liverpool’s starting line-up), it prompts a fairly obvious thought: if Liverpool really want to make something out of this season, could it be that what they really need is something that will simultaneously fuel their peevish yet productive sense of injustice and deny them the wizardlike services of their cultured but apparently not that important after all No7 on a long-term basis?
? Join Simon Burnton from 7.30pm for MBM coverage of Liverpool 1-1 Tottenham.
«Did anyone else spot Bolton’s David Wheater in Saturday’s Sun wearing what the hack described as ‘a Superman suit’? It was clearly a Supergirl suit. I wonder if David was aware» — Tony Rooke.
«‘Cult of England Captain’ (Friday’s Fiver) sounds like something you might see on the menu of a trendy restaurant. The waiter’s description, naturally, would be along the lines of ‘thick hunks of over-priced meat, lightly seasoned with $870 celine leather cream shoes 39 it 8us 5uk made in italy 7 little common sense, marinated in cash and deep fried in hype-seed oil. Served with a choice of self importance or an unwarranted sense of achievement. Yummy» — Steven Dunne.
«I was shocked to open my Fiver on Friday midday and find that none of your other 1,056 contributing pedants found it necessary to comment on their colleague Jim Butler’s misadventure in American history (Fiver letters passim). As anyone who completed third grade history in the USA! USA!! USA!!! could tell you, America was provoked into a declaration of war against Japan following the latter’s attack on ‘Pearl Harbor’, not ‘Pearl Harbour’, which sounds more like a family resort along the Brighton coast and a target of minimal strategic importance» — Jack Nank.
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BITS AND BOBS
Sunderland fan Peter Copeland, 29, has pleaded guilty to posting r